-

I Gotta Live on My Own

15:37

kota ini
hampir
membuat saya
gila.
menyerah.
hampir.

entah berapa banyak
perkataan buruk
tentangku
yang hinggap
di telingaku.
pecah.
hampir.

beberapa
sempat terperangkap
di otakku.
meracuni sel-sel
yang membuat pikiranku buntu.
marah.

tapi pasrah.
karena yang membencimu
tidak akan
mendengarkan
penjelasan apapun darimu.

-

Unconditional Love

23:00

Ego dalam diri pernah bilang "cinta itu harus memiliki". Kata-kata semacam itu terpatri dibenakku sejak aku mengenal yang namanya cinta monyet. Melakukan hal-hal konyol untuk mendapatkan "cinta".

Sebetulnya aku sendiri (bisa dibilang) tidak percaya cinta. Kata kerja itu tidak pernah benar-benar terasa nyata di kehidupanku. Aku ingat, waktu itu aku pernah berucap "cinta itu omong kosong. Hanya ada suka dan sayang. Sudah. Tidak ada tingkatan yang lebih tinggi dari sayang."

Para remaja yang baru belajar memiliki kekasih pun punya pendapat, "cinta itu tanpa alasan." Tapi saat ditanya "kenapa?", Mereka berlomba-lomba menyombongkan alasan mereka memilih kekasih hati masing-masing.
"Kekasihku tampan."
"Oh, dia pandai."
Bukankah itu juga termasuk alasan?

Kedekatanku pada seseorang akhirnya membuatku sadar. Cinta itu ada dan membutuhkan proses. Tidak muncul begitu saja dalam hitungan detik seperti cinta pada pandangan pertama di serial drama picisan. Aku sempat mengelak, membangun tembok diantara aku dan dia. Tapi terlambat. Aku jatuh cinta.
"Kenapa?"
Seketika aku terdiam saat salah seorang sahabatku menanyakan kenapa aku jatuh cinta. Tenggorokanku serasa tercekat, tidak bisa mengucap sepatah kata pun. Sampai saat ini pun aku tidak dapat menemukan jawabannya.

Dewi fortuna berpihak padaku. Ya, cintaku tidak bertepuk sebelah tangan. Aku diajak melayang tinggi dan kemudian dihempaskan kembali ke bumi oleh sang Cupid.
"Aku dan kamu itu beda"
Pernyataan yang terlontar dari bibirnya seakan menamparku. Memaksaku bangun dari kenyataan. Aku dan dia tidak akan pernah menjadi kita.

Dia lebih buruk dari narkotika dan zat-zat adiktif lainnya. Begitu candu. Besar keinginan untuk berhenti tapi kenyataannya keinginan untuk bertahan jauh lebih besar dari itu. Seperti para pemakai narkotika yang dijerat tanpa ampun oleh zat-zat terlarang tersebut.

Dia membuatku memahami apa artinya cinta. Cinta yang semakin lama semakin besar dan aku tidak tau kapan harus berhenti disaat dirinya sendiri memutuskan untuk menghapus perasaannya padaku. Menyakitkan? Sedikit. Tapi aku bahagia. Ya, mencintainya membuatku bahagia. Sampai detik ini pun aku tersenyum simpul, melupakan kenyataan bahwa perlahan dia menjauh dan membiarkan dia berlari di pikiranku.

Mungkin aku hanya bisa menunggu. Menunggu dia menjadi kebahagiaan sejatiku. Atau menunggu dia menemukan kebahagiaan sejatinya.

catatan kecil dariku.
yang masih memiliki rasa itu.

amarah

Acuhkan Saja

23:32

ada sesuatu yang membuatku kembali terdampar disini. terlalu banyak hal terlewat. berbagai macam hal. tetapi ada satu hal yang sepertinya sudah menjadi hal yang lumrah bagiku.

 diacuhkan.

 bahkan kedua tangan inipun tidak mampu menjelaskan berapa kali aku diacuhkan.
kamu, kalian, mereka.
apakah mungkin semua berkomplot, membentuk sebuah kubu untuk mengacuhkanku?
haha. terdengar berlebihan memang.
tetapi bukan itu yang mengganggu pikiranku.
mungkin mereka berbuat seperti itu karena aku terlalu lemah.
atau mungkin hal itu terlalu adiktif?

 aku rapuh.
mereka yang mengacuhkanku tanpa sebab hampir semua berakhir dengan rayuan agar mereka berhenti melakukan itu padaku. aku mengalah. ada yang lebih gila lagi jika aku merasa rayuanku tidaklah cukup. permintaan maaf yang membesarkan ego mereka. permintaan maaf dari seseorang yang tidak tau atau bahkan memang tidak melakukan kesalahan apapun.
bukankah itu adiktif?

 aku menyerah.
batu yang keraspun jika berkali-kali ditetesi air akan berlubang juga.
apalagi hati.
aku mohon, stop. bisa?

 aku tega.
bagiku, orang yang memperlakukanku dengan tidak baik pun perlu merasakan hal yang sama. aku bisa lebih tega dari mereka. setahun pun aku sanggup hidup tanpa mereka.

 aku sensitif.
kedua tanganku memang tidak sanggup menghitung berapa kali aku diacuhkan, tapi masih sanggup untuk menutup kedua telingaku dari perkataan-perkataan tajam yang mungkin saja mereka lontarkan.
begitu juga dengan kedua mataku yang masih sanggup mencegahku melihat kenyataan yang terjadi didepanku.

 aku belajar,
mengalah boleh.
terlalu sering mengalah dan meminta maaf tanpa tau letak kesalahanku bisa menjadi bumerang.
semacam memberi pembenaran pada kebiasaan yang sebenernya tidak baik.

 postinganku kali ini, juga boleh kamu acuhkan :)

"coba kamu pecahkan piring indah dari porselen itu" // "kamu gila. piring ini terlalu berharga" 
"pecahkan saja" // "ya, sudah kupecahkan. lalu?" 
"minta maaf pada piring itu." // "maaf.." 
"apakah piring indah itu masih bisa berfungsi?" // "tidak.. tapi bisa kuperbaiki agar berfungsi kembali" 
"silahkan kau perbaiki. dengan cara apapun yang kamu suka. tapi, apakah piring itu akan kembali indah seperti sedia kala?" // "tidak..." 
"begitu juga dengan hatiku."

once in a lifetime

Too Many Options

16:51

manusia tidak akan pernah puas.
kenapa?
se-egois itukah?
saya rasa tidak.

 mungkin karena terlalu banyak pilihan.
jangankan terlalu banyak,
dihadapkan oleh dua pilihan pun begitu.

caroline flack

Obsessed With One Direction

10:55

Hey boys I'm waiting on ya, waiting on ya / Come on and let me freak you out / You're a drug that's taken over, I'm rarely sober / From this high I won't come down
yeaaaaah, you'll be singing like you do / And I'm acting like a fool / Crazy for you / Yeaaaah, you'll be singing like you do / And I'm acting like a fool / Coz tonight ....
I've gone crazy, crazy, crazy for One Direction / I know it's kinda strange, but I've fallen in love / I'm never, never, never leaving this fandom / I'll always be obsessed with One Direction
It might be strange behaviour, strange behaviour / Staying up on Tumblr all night / Reblogging gifsets of ya, gifsets of ya / But to me it feels alright woaaaah
Hey Niall, Louis, Zayn / Harry Styles and Liaaammmmmm / I'm obsessed with One Direction / We're obsessed with One Direction


 the post bellow is written by: Nessy Primadiany


What I’ve been through about the boys? Well i knew 1D few years ago. Actually i knew them before by tumblr because so many people talking about them there. i still remember once I found Harry’s pic holding a "we ​❤ tumblr girls" sign. Thought he was one of famous tumblr guy. haha




I fell in love with them but it was not this hard (like now). I still remember in that time, it was hard for me to find another 1D fans. All i saw was a few hate on them. I kept asking “why?” i found no reason to hate them. To be honest, it scared me to state that I love 1D. I thought it was a shame if people knew i loved 1D. I was a fan of another hardcore bands or even heavymetal at the same time and most of my followers were hardcore fans. that was why i said "they were only my little secret" :') but seiring perjalanan waktu, aku justru lebih cari tau tentang mereka and it made me fall harder. Aku search the whole video of them on youtube dari page 1 di youtube sampe akhir include video diary, funny moments, best moments, bloopers, lots of interviews, shows, behind the scene etc.
 made me think "what's wrong with these guys? Why do people hate these cuties? They're just being honest to themselves and didn’t even try to be like others. they're not even trying to be perfect in the camera. They're so funny and they just do what they wanna do without realising that so many people watched them." Seleb lain mungkin udah prepare mau ngomong apa aja klo di interview. And 1D are just stating their jokes and being too honest there.

It hurts me when i saw people judge 1D for some irrelevant things like "they're gay." It sounds so homophobic. I mean what's wrong with being gay? all of them have ex girlfriends even before X Factor. we all know Harry dated Caroline Flack (X Factor host). She’s very older than Harry. Sampe pas abis putus Louis bilang "when Harry left Caroline, he spent all day crying. We tried to make him feel better but we all ended up in tears." :') before Caroline, he also had another ex girlfriends like Emma (normal girl). He was also with Taylor Swift. But nggak bertahan lama because what i heard that Harry found out Taylor still texting Connor Kennedy that her missed him :')
 
So did Niall. he broke up with his girlfriend, Holly Scally because he wanted to focus in X Factor. And Niall is still single pringles till now :'). Liam was with Danielle (dancer on the X Factor), hampir 3 tahun tapi sayang sekarang udah putus dan sekarang sm Sophia Smith :'). Louis was with Hannah before he’s with Eleanor. Hannah Walker, teman sekolahnya Louis dan dia yang support Louis untuk ikut X Factor. Sampe akhirnya putus, trus jadian sama si gorgeous Eleanor sampai sekarang. Begitupun Zayn. He dated Rebecca Ferguson (X Factor finalist), older than him tapi akhirnya putus dan jadi sm Perrie sampe sekarang dan tunangan.
People didn’t know what they've sacrificed to reach what they’ve got now. Haters said they don’t deserve it, said they can’t sing, said they're just the same typical boyband, said they will stop getting all of these. But where's the proof? Its been 3 years and they're still standing up right there winning so many awards continually, breaking the records, album #1 in more than turdy seven countries, sold all the ticket tours, top sale, etc. Man, some people were blind. I’ve seen those who said bad things about them now they're turning into directioners. I’ve seen it :') alot of people in my timeline :') how the tables have turned.
 


Dan yang bikin fall in love nya lagi. Mereka nggak cuma lucu, bisa nyanyi, good looking and do crazy things. They also have a really good heart :') Mereka involved ke berbagai charity. tanpa jijik sdikit pun mereka turun langsung ke tempat yang kumuh banget. Orangnya dekil-dekil. Tapi mereka ngerangkul orang-orang itu tanpa ada rasa jijik, ga ngebedain sama sekali. kebanyakkan "white people" won't do that but they do :') baju mereka sampai ikutan dekil karena gendong anak Afrika itu :') pas di rumah sakit pun mereka nangis liat kondisi anak2 (HOW CAN HATERS CALL HARRY AS A MANWHORE).
 


Ngomong2 soal manwhore, Harry pernah ngasih uang homeless yang lagi tidur dijalan tanpa ngebangunin orang itu. kalau dia sombong, dia bisa aja bangunin dan bilang “ini dari gue'” but he didn’t. Dia juga pernah ngasih ratusan pizza ke homeless. Dia ngasih kalung kesayangannya ke Fridous anak kecil di Afrika as a symbol of his hope that it can save her there. he also told her that she was beautiful.
 
 pas di premiere TIU di NY kmrn pun ada fans yang ga bisa berhenti nangis,trus harry nyamperin blg yg intinya "km knp? Jangan nangis" dan harry blg "saya ga akan pergi sblm km berhenti nangis" :") he hugged her. Aghhbsddn



Dan 1D pernah ikut acara prank gitu. Yang pertama di nickelodeon, ibu hamil dan you know siapa yang paling khawatir disana dan terus2an megang ibu hamil nya sambil bilang "breathe"? Harry :') he didn’t even know there was a camera. So the point is, he’s not trying to be perfect, not trying to be cool, not act like a member of the biggest boyband on the world, its just who they are, normal lads but terrible dancers :'). Dan di acara prank yang ke dua itu di "good morning New Zealand". Mereka smua gatau klo mereka dikerjain, jadi acara interaktif dari NZ ke London gt. Mereka tetep di London tapi ada tv live dari NZ yang telp. mereka. Critanya NZ kirim fans berat mereka ke London untuk ketemu mereka, terus pas udah ketemu di studio itu fansnya kena asma hahahah dan Harry lagi yang paling ketipu :') yang lain kayaknya udah tau klo itu dikerjain apalagi Louis, sassy master. nobody can’t prank him. karena mereka cuma ketawa aja ngeliatnya. Omg i’ve seen alot of good things they've done and if i have to say it all, it will be an endless story to write.


best friends

Hardcore Directioner

00:53


Holla! Have you watch This Is Us movie? Yap, One Direction’s documenter in 3D. I've watched it few weeks ago with my bestfriend, her sister and official One Direction Indonesian fanbase. The gathering held in Bekasi, which is out of town. I need to avoid the traffic jam so I decided to go really early. I woke up at 5am and getting ready. I’m arrived in Bekasi around 8am to meet up with my bestfriend, Nessy and her sister, Tita first then we go to the mall together.
 

The mall is still closed -.- but we found the door for the mall staff so we get in over there :D we walked to 5th floor. Yes, we walked. the elevator nor escalator hasn’t worked yet. And yippie! at cinema, even it’s a bit late because we arrived few minutes before the movie begin. I was kind of freak out when I see their cutout.

I can’t stand to not cry, jump off of my seat, sing along and scream with another directioners. The movie is just too precious for me because I never see them live and I don’t know when they want to throw a party (re: concert) here. 

 A majority of gathering attendants are teenagers. I’m 22 and Nessy is 21. We’re probably the oldest here, except the parents that accompanied their kids, the fanbase administrator and crew.
So what? Do you want to call us immature? Or childish? Well, I’m mature enough to know that maturity measurement isn’t from what they like/love and being directioners of the age of ours when majority of directioners are teenagers doesn’t make your argument valid to call us childish.

I’m a hardcore music lover, Nessy was :p But that doesn’t mean I can’t love this kind of genre. So please stop being a judgemental person. You can say bad thing about bands I love because you haven’t know them yet. I’m not that much into One Direction before. Once I retweeted satire tweet about the boys, I know that Nessy got hurt and being more sarcastically defense the Boys. I just laughed at her response. I thought I’m doing the right thing, scoffing them based on what people said WITHOUT knowing the real them. then she surreptitiously poisoning me with One Direction music. I’m questioning myself, what makes her fall into them that hard.

I started to get to know them to prove her maybe she fell in love to the wrong person or music. I googled them and listened to their music. I found out they are NOT that bad. They have something that makes them getting bigger from year to year. They’re truly talented, good hearts and their good faces is just a bonus. Simon never made a bad decision to unite them as a boyband. I liked Liam before he decided to be a bald headed guy. I never like bald guy. Never ever. I’m Nialler now :p

So, I am wearing two hats now, a hardcore music addict and One Direction lover. problem?

This morning I texted Nessy and I asked her to give her opinion about the boys. as far as I’m concerned, she know them so much better than me. So I gave her free hand to fill a gap on this post and write anything she wants on my blog :D

++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++++

the post bellow written by : Ines Abilia Primadiany


Sempet underestimate sih di awal2 pas suka 1D, pernah mikir kalo fans 1D rata-rata bocah. malu dan takut di judge kalo bilang aku suka 1D. apa yang nantinya aku bisa banggain dari mereka? kayaknya mereka biasa aja. But now aku punya alasan yang ga ada abisnya haha :') It took years to understand, to learn, to feel it so please don’t judge if you don’t know how it feels to see your favourite people grow up from nothing to be something. you can learn things from what they've been through :') mereka bisa buat fansnya bangga dan ga salah kalo mereka suka 1D. Itu penyebab mereka justru malah lebih lebih dan lebih. Because they keep proving it. I’m really proud of them :') 

Sampe suatu saat i finally got Kamila Aninda Modjo as my profesional fangirl partner haha. Thought it was hard to get her to love 1D because i knew she didn’t like 1D. it was dissapointed me an I’m in doubt if i was wrong or right for loving 1D because my close friends didn’t like them too :( Kebetulan saat itu belum banyak follow 1D account di twitter jadi ngerasa sendirian. Untuk ngetweet tentang 1D aja malu dan ragu krn yang aku bilang tadi, aku masih dikelilingin hardcore fans. I didn’t want them to hate me just because i loved 1D. Tapi tahun demi tahun I just love them more and more. i want people to see them as i see. Because when you're being honest to yourself it'll make u happier than you just tried to look cool and hide what you actually want to do. I don’t mind if i lose followers.






Seiring waktu aku ketemu banyak akun 1D, awalnya sih cuma fanbase-fanbase. Makin lama, follow funny fan account nya juga. Haha. Bisa di cek di following aku :') My obssesion is turning into love and it’s getting harder :') it irritates me when i see rude or bad comment about them or directioners. it makes me want to defend them more. Because i know who they are and as i said earlier, It took years to understand :')

I didn’t know how Kamila finally fell in love with 1D maybe she’ll tell you by herself in her blog. Haha yang aku inget Kamil tiba-tiba ngirim pic klo Kamil lagi nonton UAN. Jeder! Disitu kaget banget plus terharu :’) Karena yang aku tau Kamil didn’t like them dan itu kenapa aku ga brani 'ngehasut' kamil utk suka. why should have i tried if i knew the answer? But i was wrong :') sampe akhirnya kita meet up pertama kalinya di Musik Plus MKG dan itu awal Take Me Home rilis. inget banget soalnya di depan M+ ada cut out 1D dari album TMH. pas sampe tempat karaoke ternyata Kamil put Moment on the first playlist. I was shocked. i didn’t even ask her for that :') yah kita sing along dan ternyata Kamil juga hapal haha tambah kaget lagi. Disitu baru ketemu tapi udah ngerasa enjoy banget tapi disitu aku blm tau klo ternyata kamil mulai suka 1D juga haha.


akhirnya ada nobar This Is Us dari official fanbase di Indonesia, dan aku mention Kamil linknya. ga bisa berharap banyak waktu itu, krn aku mikirnya mana mau Kamil nobar 1d jauh-jauh ke Bekasi. aku mau orang terdeket ku bisa appreciate atau seenggaknya tau kenapa aku suka banget sm mereka, Alhamdulillah kalo ternyata bisa suka juga :’) I was wrong again because she actually did it.
Sampe akhirnya di bioskop, film mulai. Semua teriak histeris. Padahal itu baru logo modest, syco, sony sama tristar doang haha. aku dengar teriakan kecil dari sebelah ku. Yup Kamil. I was like "oow i think she really meant what she said about loving 1D" well sepanjang film seluruh isi studio itu non stop ngejerit & tepuk tangan. Baru kali itu nonton film di bioskop tapi berisik banget. Hahaha lucunya, ga ada yang komplain satu sm lain. Karena we all did the same thing during the movie. Dan yang mengejutkannya lagi Kamil nangissss tersedu2 sambil nutupin idung sm mulutnya hahah. And i was screaming inside like “MAN I SWEAR SHE'S GONNA BE WITH ME IN THE FRONT ROW IF 1D CAME HERE OH GOD THANK U FINALLY I GOT A MATE WHO CAN SEE HOW ACTUALLY THE BOYS ARE LIKE WHAT I’VE SEEN ON THE BOYS TOO” :')

Im really glad finally she really fell for them :') I don’t want to see my bestfriend judge my fav people without knowing them first, it makes me sad. it's a plus because my bestfriend loves my favourite people.